August 2024
Expectations, Resentment and Validation
by Clif H
Some time ago, I was talking to one of my brothers about growing up in our family home. It had been years after I’d started attending Al-Anon, at a time when I was working through the Steps with my sponsor. Having grown up in a very loving non-alcoholic home, I was reflecting on and relating some positive experiences we’d had growing up. No matter what else was going on in our lives, for instance, our parents always closed the day and sent us up to bed with hugs, kisses, and “I love yous.” Ok, I have to be honest, by the time I was a teenager, I’d given up on the hugs and kisses part. However, even as a snotty teenager when I rejected my parents’ hugs, they spoke the words.
I had a great, loving childhood. We always had food, a roof over our heads, encouragement and love. What more could a kid hope to have?
As I was articulating my positive memories, I had an expectation that my brother would agree with my point of view and reinforce it with some of his memories of growing up. I was completely surprised when my brother told a very different story. Not only did he not agree with me, he actively disagreed and attempted to persuade me that my memories were untrue. He spoke of physical contact with a belt or a stick on our behinds. While those events certainly happened to all of us, the depth of memory for each of us is apparently very different.
Wow, did I have unmet expectations! Was I wrong? Was he wrong? Did the discussion lead to resentments? In the moment I’d have to say “yes.” How dare he not support me? Fortunately, Al-Anon has given me tools to reflect upon my life and put memories, actions, and behaviors into proper perspective.
photo by Jennifer N
As I’ve considered this conversation since then, it seems to me that neither of us is wrong with our recollections, though each of us has filtered our memories through different lenses. My filters include years of living with active alcoholism in my marriage. I drew upon the love expressed in my childhood home to bring me strength even while the disease of alcoholism was negatively impacting my life.
My life is my life. My brother’s life is his own. I no longer need his validation to live with gratitude, grace, and serenity.
Moocher
by Theodore L
A friend did something nice for me a few days ago. I offered to reimburse him and when he refused I told him that I appreciated his nice gesture but I didn’t want to be a moocher. That is taking more than I contribute.
He seemed a little upset by my response and explained that it didn’t take much effort on his part and it was at no cost. I thanked him and drove home. While driving something my sponsor had discussed with me about my difficulty in accepting help or gifts resurfaced.
To make that long discussion short it distilled down to “Who are you to deny your friends their opportunity to do something nice for you?” I don’t need to make an amends but I do need to keep in mind that my friends get the same pleasure out of doing something nice for me that I get out of doing something nice for them.
I need to practice accepting their gift with the same grace they show in giving.
photo by Clif H
Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Lost-and-Found Self
I was addicted to my son.
Coming to that realization was a major aha moment for me. For years, I hadn’t been able to separate my son from his disease. I thought I just needed to “fix” his mental health issues, but now, I realize that he is an alcoholic and I have been playing a major part in the family disease. I have been working with my Al‑Anon Sponsor, and when I met with her recently, it came to me that my son is my addiction. I learned that alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and I am addicted to people. I had no idea I was so addicted to my son.
For years, I have been worried about him, constantly wondering if he is in jail or driving drunk and hurting someone or himself. Reminding him to get to his court dates and call his probation officer was so exhausting. He would come over to my house and throw up from his drinking the night before. All of this broke my heart, and I lost myself in the process.
My son is now almost 20 years old, and I find myself trying to remember who I am. With this latest epiphany—that I am addicted to my son—I have an opportunity to recover myself. I am on a path of rediscovering what I like and what makes me happy and fulfilled. It feels a bit scary, but I know that I will bloom as I just take a day at a time and focus on myself. I am learning to stop myself from checking on him to see if he is okay, and I am trying to learn to check on myself to see if I am okay and to figure out what I might need.
photo by Soren S
I am so grateful to have the Al‑Anon program, the people in the meetings, and my Higher Power in my life to be the guiding lights for my recovery. As I am detaching, setting boundaries, and focusing on myself, I am also giving my son room to take responsibility for himself. I have seen him show a bit of maturity, and he now has the opportunity to discover himself on his Higher Power’s timetable.
I am learning to “Let Go and Let God,” and I look forward to finding myself again!
By Anna C., Washington
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
3nd Annual Garden Party – ICE CREAM SOCIAL
August 18, 2024, 2-5pm
Get ready for another delightful summer gathering as AIS proudly presents the Third Annual Ice Cream Social! This cherished event is a perfect opportunity to savor the season, enjoy scrumptious ice cream sundaes or root beer floats, and reconnect with both old and new Al-Anon friends. Mark your calendars for Sunday, August 18, from 2 to 5 pm at the All Pilgrims Church in the vibrant Capitol Hill neighborhood.
Building on last year’s success, we’re excited to bring back AIS Bingo, designed to encourage mingling and fun. Sharpen your bingo skills for a chance to pick from our special literature basket if you score five squares in a row. Plus, one lucky attendee will take home the (almost) brand-new daily reader, A Little Time for Myself, at our 4:00 pm drawing. Don’t worry if you miss out; there will be plenty of copies available for purchase. The Literature Distribution Center will also be stocked with a vast array of Conference-Approved Al-Anon pamphlets and books in both English and Spanish. You can buy them on the spot or order ahead for convenient pickup.
Last year’s event featured a treasure trove of archival items, including duplicate Forums and publications spanning 20 to 50 years, along with speakers on cassette tapes. We still have some nostalgic gems waiting for those who appreciate a walk down memory lane.
No ice cream social would be complete without indulgent ice cream sundaes and root beer floats, and we have plenty to satisfy your sweet tooth. Enjoy as many trips to the ice cream table as you like—we won’t judge, we’re Al-Anon’s after all, and we believe in “live and let live.”
Parking is a breeze with free street parking available on Sundays. Additionally, there’s paid parking in the building across Broadway from the church and at QFC. Whether the sun is shining, or the skies are overcast, we have ample space inside the church hall to accommodate everyone comfortably.
We can’t wait to see you there for an afternoon of fun, friendship, and fabulous treats!
Tradition Eight
Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
Need a Free Newcomer Packet?
Anyone local to Seattle who is a newcomer and wants an individual newcomer packet (or in Spanish, too!), please submit your request via the New To Al-Anon page, or send an email to outreach@seattle-al-anon.org with the name and mailing address.
Has Your Meeting Changed?
Gone back to meeting in person
Become hybrid or concurrent
Has a new physical location
Made other changes that members need to know about
Has an alternate Holiday Schedule
Has disbanded
Please submit all meeting changes to the WA Area Group Records Coordinator by using the form at https://wa-al-anon.org/group-records-request-a-change/
Changes and Updates are made Weekly.
(Seattle AIS is automatically cc'd in the change request)
If you have any questions or concerns regarding the Seattle AIS updated meeting schedule, please contact meetingdirectoryeditor@seattle-al-anon.org
2024 Washington Area Event Schedule
AWSC: August 3
FALL ASSEMBLY: October 4-6
Requesting Phone Volunteers
Contact the Phones Coordinator
Phones@seattle-al-anon.org or call/text 206-625-0000
Concept of the Month
by Allen L
Concept Eight
The Board of Trustees delegates full authority for routine management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its executive committees.
Too many times I needed to rely on other people who were chaotic and undependable. I lost the ability to trust that something would get done if I didn’t personally do it. I made myself crazy and made that situation even worse by trying to force solutions.
Learning to trust again didn’t come easily. Understanding this concept in Al-Anon meetings helped me. First, it only requires me to “delegate” not to completely give up my authority. Second, it clearly limits what I am delegating. Lastly, it defines to whom I am delegating. Reaching for Personal Freedom (Workbook P-92), asked me, “How can I practice the principles of Concept Eight in my personal life?” The clear statement of “routine management of Al-Anon Headquarters” becomes my family members doing “the daily chores.” My delegation becomes allowing them to do things their way and not exactly the way I would. If the grass is cut, does it really matter if they cut the front yard first?
In keeping with Concept Eight, I have to ask a specific family member to do some limited thing. For example, asking my son to cut the grass and my son agreeing to do it. It cannot be the unspoken expectation that they will perform a task they haven’t agreed to do.
This Concept serves a dual purpose. It helps me reduce my burdens to more manageable proportions and it helps me have realistic expectations.
photo by Soren S
Concept Eight
The Board of Trustees delegates full authority for routine management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its executive committees.
AIS Council Meeting
The next Council meeting is Thursday, August 8th, 2024, 7:30-9:00 pm. Check the AIS website calendar (https://www.seattle-al-anon.org/events) for the zoom link.
AIS Board Meeting
Thursday, October 17th, 2024 at 7:00-8:30 pm. Check the AIS website calendar (https://www.seattle-al-anon.org/events) for the zoom link.
2024 Board Meeting Schedule
October 17 7:00 - 8:30 PM
Keep It Simple
Reprinted from BITS, March 2023
A few years back I was at an Al Anon speaker meeting where the local Alateens had a fundraiser selling handmade items. I picked up this golden bookmark sporting the well-known slogan: Keep It Simple. One of several Al Anon slogans that remind me to slow down a little and take life as it comes.
Life can quickly become overwhelming and stressful living around the manifestations of alcoholism. The alcoholic often chooses to ignore anything they don’t want to deal with. I can’t unsee all the problems that are piling up as a result of the alcoholic’s irresponsibility. Then comes the complexity of trying to navigate the murky landscape of what is “caring” and what is “enabling.”
It’s a lot easier to spot enabling within other people’s dynamics. If I’m not directly involved; the over responsibility, rescue, and pillow fluffing become obvious! I can relate to the agony and desperation of trying to do everything possible to try to “save” my loved one. In hindsight, I have volunteered or been manipulated into taking over many of the alcoholic’s responsibilities!
One way to “simplify” a thorny issue is to get some emotional distance, and figure out if I am making decisions based on fear, obligation, or guilt. The “FOG” is the trifecta of codependency! I also find that praying for insight, wisdom, and guidance often helps to calm my mind and organize my thoughts.
It then becomes a lot easier to see the “fence lines” of boundaries and responsibilities. Stepping back, I can see where I became entangled in the alcoholic’s obligations. It is painful and frustrating to stand by and watch the insanity unfold, to put in the work to meet someone halfway in their best interests, and watch them squander it all. The progression of disordered thinking and behaviors in the alcoholic, sometimes takes me down the rabbit hole as well.
photo by Callie D
Other ways that help me simplify daily life is to be mindful of my inner thoughts. Am I employing magical thinking as I “hope” that the alcoholic will follow through, this time? Do I have realistic expectations about the relationship? Am I assuming an active drinker will behave like a sober person? Am I violating my own internal boundaries by compulsively risking interaction during the “drinking hours”?
I find that daily journaling encourages an emotional release and a way to authenticate my experiences. It helps me to spot dysfunctional patterns in my behavior in addition to milestones of personal growth. So many of my past entries focus on the alcoholic. My goal this year is to shift my attention back to my journey, and include the spontaneous moments of joy and fun!
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Al-Anon’s monthly magazine features timely sharing’s from Al-Anon and Alateen members, suggested meeting topics, and the latest information on worldwide Al-Anon recovery. Experience and insight you won’t find anywhere else!
July 2024 AIS Council Meeting Minutes (Summary, not yet approved)
Seattle Al-Anon Information Service Council Minutes June 13, 2024 7:30-9:00 pm
Meeting opened at 7:30 pm by Dave M - Chair
In attendance: 16 attendees
Serenity Prayer
Introductions
Readings: Concept 7-Dave M
Secretary Report: Kathy K - Approval of the May minutes
Chair Report: Dave M
AWSC: Will be held 8/3/24 and Dave will not attend but Arden is attending.
2025 Lois’s Birthday: He has received the paperwork to rent St. Andrews Church and will send it back this week. He plans to chair the event unless someone else steps up.
Zoom best practices: He thinks we should send out some guidelines and put it in the Bits. He did receive some Al-Anon published guidelines from Teresa and Kathy K. Discussion: Sandra noted that last month’s discussion re zoom bombings was useful especially in regards to hosted and non hosted meetings.
Recognition of Service: We are grateful but don’t have a vehicle of recognition. Dave would like to pursue this and would like feedback at a later date. It was suggested creating a ritual might be a good idea. No action was taken. He would like us to think about it for next council meeting.
AIS Donation recognition: We like to thank people who have given donations to AIS. In the past he has sent out about 12 emails/month, which was not time consuming, He is looking for a volunteer to take this over and please contact Dave at chair@seattle-al-anon.org if you are interested. He will ask next month as well.
Chat Bot: On hiatus until Sept.
SEC: On hiatus until Sept. Solveig and Teresa are working on it.
Vice Chair Report: Arden C
Mary, Solveig, Linda and Karen L. staffed the open house this month. She was not in attendance but there were 4 orders totaling $220.42, 2 walk-ins. 3 prepaid pickup orders totaling $424.84.
The Ice Cream Social flyer has been made and distributed.
Treasurer’s Report: Gary H - AIS remains in good financial shape.
Coordinator Reports:
Phones: Heather R
Contact: phones@seattle-al-anon.org or can just call or text the AIS phone number 206-625-0000 to volunteer.
VOLUNTEERS:
We have 17 trained volunteers.
VOLUNTEERING NEEDS: Please let your groups know that members can volunteer as little as once a month!
ACTIVITIES :
Work on updating Phone Manual
Research what happens if a text recipient replies HELP or STOP
LDC: Mary R - Linda attended the WSO AIS/LDC Informational Service Meeting Wednesday June 26th.
Communications: MJ
Should we remove the phrase “Face Masks Optional” from the AIS Meeting Directory? There was consensus that this would be fine since it is standard policy anyway except for meetings that clearly designate “Masks Required.” See Action Item below
Evelyn has stepped down from the Web Editor position and we are looking for a new Web Editor. The need is mentioned on our website under AIS Information. Any other ideas on how to get the word out? I would like to put a short article about this in the next Bits, outlining the duties of the position.
ACTION ITEM: It was moved by MJ and seconded by Gary to delete the phrase “masks optional” from the Meeting Directory. Motion Passed with no nays or abstentions.
Tech: Pierre J
This past month has been fairly quiet. I had one support request and one update for the AIS distribution lists.
We confirmed that when Zoom started enforcing their new rule for sending SMS the work we had done at the beginning of June was sufficient to avoid losing SMS sending privilege on June 17th when the enforcement started.
Outreach: Solveig W
She has been out of town but her partner assisted with newcomer packets. She can assist flyer creation as she has a paid account to Canva. She has requested a Mariners booth for Sept. 15 as it is Recovery Day. There is a Muslim festival Sept 1 but she could not get a table. She has materials to help any groups who do want to sponsor a table at an event.
She also wants to let people know about the Newcomer’s handshake meeting twice a month and there is info on the website al-anon@handshake.com. Heather has attended and notes that 3 host do share and then there is a Q&A with info given on how to find a meeting and what to expect. If no one signs up then there is not a meeting.
Old Business:
Chat Bot: See Chair and Tech Report
SEO: See Chair report
Lois Birthday 2025: See Chair report
AIS Service Recognition: See Chair report
Zoom Best Practices : See Chair report
New Business:
See Communications Report
Seventh tradition
https://www.seattle-al-anon.org/donationsforms
Next Council Meeting
August 8, at 7:30 PM
Next Board Meeting
July 18, 2024, at 7:00 pm
Adjournment: Al-Anon Declaration
Meeting adjourned at: 8:47pm
Respectfully submitted by:
Kathy K, Secretary
Thank you for your donations and your support of AIS!
Our funding now comes primarily from:
Donations by Members, Groups, and Districts
Literature Sales
Please send all AIS mail, including checks for literature orders and donations, to:
Seattle AIS
505 Broadway E #400
Seattle, WA 98102-5023
And More ...
MEETING SCHEDULE: Registered Al-Anon groups in the Greater Seattle Area. Hybrid, Concurrent, and in-person meetings are listed.
Please visit our Member Resources section for the most up-to-date information on:
List of AIS Officers and Coordinators
Where to Send Donations
District Representatives and Business Meeting Information
AIS Financial Information
Calendar of Events
Meeting News
News from the Meeting Directory Editor
No meeting changes were received since those reported in the July BITS.
Seattle Al-Anon Information Service
Meeting Directory Editor